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The Offensive Shopper March 13, 2012

Shopping is like a good game of football.  The players’ are either offensive or defensive.

It happened one day when my husband and I were blissfully shopping.  As we strolled down a department store aisle, we both noticed this extremely beautiful young lady as she walked just ahead of us.  She was exquisite, slender, and had long-flowing black hair and her  walk was more of a flow.

The offensive game-player turned her head; fixing her eyes on us as she continued to walk ahead of us.  We both noticed her intent stare and we continued to follow in her direction.  She kept walking and so did we.  But when we came to the point where she had first gazed upon us, the foul stench of human decay entered our nostrils.  “TOUCHDOWN!” The offensive attack was unlike anything that I have ever encountered.   This cougar linebacker went into full swing-  here I come!  Leg and shoulders-width apart, knees bent, mad dash towards fresh air!  An immediate sharp turn to the right; into a clothing section.  Dodge, dodge, air, air.  I plow through clothes.   To my utter amazement, I am startled as I realize that her putrid smell had followed me.  I couldn’t shake it!!!  The smell had entered my mouth and I swallowed it whole.  Yuck!  Have you ever swallowed and tasted fart?  Well, I have and it’s even worse when you don’t know the person from where the fart came from.  The only way to describe it is being invisibly raped.  You feel the immediate need to wash yourself and to rush to the clinic to get test for some sort of communicable disease.  It is that gross!   So, it’s not impossible to figure out that this cougar was dry heaving.  I let out a loud scream, “Oh my gosh, that girl farted. How nasty!”  That chick seriously dropped a major air bomb!

Not only was I in a bad situation; but, my husband was desperately running his own personal interference moves.  The last I saw him he was in a mad dash towards a finish line.  He was attempting to vigorously swat the rotted stink from his face.  I eventually found him in a different clothing-line section.  The poor pathetic fellow was desperately gasping for fresh air.  I was alarmed to see him practically on the floor; smashing his face into a pile of clothes that he must have yanked from the rack.  Thank goodness that I didn’t find the hubby laying in a fetal position or my eyes would have fell victim to a visual assault.  The poor fellows’ face said it all.   Whatever animal, vegetable, or mineral that nasty-girl consumed, manifested itself into an invisible nuclear waste and bombed our personal world.

Once the smell died, we rushed to find that girl to tell her that she needed a serious detox but sadly we could not find her.  By the way she turned back to look at us, we know that she knew what she had planted and high tailed it out the department store door.

All I can say is that you Monday morning quarterbacks should not criticize our defensive tactics because we sure as hell took one for the team.

 

2 Responses to “The Offensive Shopper”

  1. Brendan Says:

    LMAO “it is being invisibly raped”. Best description I have ever heard of breathing in a stranger’s gas. Definitely not where I thought this post was going when I started reading it. Also like the line where you can’t decide which sport to use in your metaphore when you say, “This cougar linebacker went into full swing” (football + baseball). The best part is that anyone reading this that doesn’t know you might think that this is a huge over-exaguration of what actually happened but I can 100% see you guys actually doing this after being gased like the Jews in the holocaust.

  2. V Says:

    This was literally the funniest blog post I’ve ever read, I think I peed a little
    I can totally picture the two of you screaming and running around hitting yourselves in the middle of a store…


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